Monday Musings

I'm better today. I've discovered over my life that I tend to want to write whenever I'm feeling down. It helps me think. It helps me vent. Mainly because there's no one in my life right now that I can really vent to just whenever I want/need to who doesn't try to fix what I'm venting about - or who isn't exactly the person I'm venting about. The problem with this is that one of these days, when my children or grandchildren go back and read my journals and/or blogs (do you think they'll still be around?), they're going to think I was nothing but a depressed, insecure harpy. I guess what I'm saying is that I need to write more on ordinary days.

We survived cub camp. John had a really great time. He likes being busy. He likes building things even though he can get frustrated and I'm no good at building things so I'm not much help. But he went the whole week without a single meltdown. That's a great thing. And he's acting so much more mature - except for right now when I hear him screaming at his video game. Figures. Maybe it's time to come read together.

Richard and James are off at scout camp. Technically, James is only 11 and "shouldn't" go until next year, but I think Richard secretly wanted to go and so - off they went. Off to Slippery Falls Ranch in Oklahoma. They had a difficult first night, but things seem to be getting better today.

I cleaned my living room today. I've gone back to Flylady and it's working. Hopefully I can get in a good routine this summer and I can keep it up during the school year. I say that every summer. Ya gotta have hope, though, doncha? My living room is clean, my bedroom is decluttered (my side anyway) and my kitchen is clean - except for the floor. I didn't mop today. Maybe tomorrow.

Chris is off with the missionaries today. Is he helping to teach a lesson? Is he driving them around to different lessons and activities? Is he visiting families with them? No. It's p-day. He took them to the library to send email. It's Elder Sevy's birthday today. After email, they're headed over to the stake center for a rousing game of Nerf Wars. Imagine. A whole district's worth of elders running around the stake center (but staying out of the chapel, of course) shooting at each other with Nerf guns. Chris's even has a laser site. And he took a Nerf sword as well. He's a boy scout - be prepared.

The problem with him doing this is that he has the car and Richard has the other one, so I'm stuck at home. Darn. Guess I'll have to read a book or something. :-) See? I can blog about happy things.

Old Insecurities Never Really Go Away

There are times when, even at age 44, the insecurity of my teen years rears its ugly head. When I think about it honestly, I realize I've always been insecure. I've covered it well. I had a few friends in elementary school, a few in middle school, and finally a rather close-knit few in high school. But try as I might, I could never really get in with those I wanted to be in with. And that hurt. I was never the cool one. Never the popular one. Never the pretty one. So...I compensated.

As a child, I compensated with laughter and jokes in public and lots of singing, dancing and piano playing for publicly and privately. I expected that my musical talent would somehow propel me into the limelight I craved so badly.

As a teenager, I compensated in much the same ways, but something new reared its ugly head - BOYS! Uh-oh. The ones I really, really liked only liked me for my cheat notes, test answers and any "availability" I might have. By high school, I had found my niche mostly - in places like choir, Thespians and newspaper/yearbook.

But still...those old insecurities stayed with me. All through college - I had a small group of friends, but I was never part of a sorority (truly didn't want to be, but that can limit who your "friends" are) or part of student government or anything like that. I had choir friends, dorm friends.

I've always felt like any friendship I have has been something that *I* have to take the lead in. If I don't call or write or email or text or whatever, my friends certainly won't call me. If I don't make the effort, no one is going to make the effort to know me or contact me or care about me.

There can often be a vast difference between truth and feelings, can't there? In my heart, I know that my current friends would move Heaven and earth to help me if I really needed something. But the insecure part of me wonders, would they really? What if they had a dinner date with their cooler friends? What if they had to choose between lunch with me or working on their "cooler" church calling?

It sounds really stupid, doesn't it? Maybe that's why I'm writing it down and putting this out there. Maybe I'm just looking for people to comment and tell me how sweet and funny and cool I am. But that would be just like those yearbook comments, wouldn't it? "You're a great friend. I'm glad I got to know you this year. Stay sweet and funny." Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

I don't know why this is bothering me these days. I just had the best. day. in. a. long. time yesterday with my "old" friend Sandy. We hadn't seen each other for eight years, but it was just like we'd never been apart. I love friends like that. So see, Stacy? You do have them.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just depressed because I had to pay bills today and I can't really afford to go to Utah and I really wanted to. Yeah, that's probably it. Or not.