Well, it's 12/21/12 and we're all still here. Of course, Richard said that maybe the end of the world will be at 12:21 on 12/21/12. I told him that we'd already had 12:21, but he pointed out that no, that was 00:21. So help me...if the world ends right before we get out of school, I'm gonna stamp my foot!
I feel better today. Things are still a bit rough at home, but it's a better day. I had a training session yesterday. We did flexibility - which means he stretched me out, rolled the PVC pipe down my legs causing me great pain, but then finished with back and shoulders along with meditative music and sounds in a darkened room. Ahhhhh! Very nice. Plus...I lost another 3 pounds. I'm down 9 pounds total. Woo!
So...I rewarded myself with the Marks girls' dessert for breakfast/lunch and a Diet Coke. Ssh...don't tell Nii. Two more hours!
Friday, December 21, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Bah! Humbug!
I used to LOVE Christmas! Many years ago (like over 20) I loved decorating on the day after Thanksgiving, playing Christmas music 24/7, buying presents, making sure they were under the tree at least two weeks before Christmas Day. It started going down when we lived in Utah. There was almost always a cloud of depression near the holidays. Maybe I was missing my family - everything my mom did for Christmas when we would go there every year.
Then we moved back to Texas and Mom died. There would never again be a "real" Christmas in the way that I knew and understood it. And I realized that it was *my* job to make that real Christmas for my own boys. I was the mom, not my mom. It was better the last few years, but this year.... Ugh. Here we are five days before Christmas and I have two presents to give. Two. That's all. No fudge. No cookies. Nothing is wrapped. James and John want a Nintendo 64. Seriously. The old one. I'm checking everywhere I can, but nothing yet. We sent a care package to Chris. But money is still an issue - and a big one. I want to get Richard a gym membership and a three-day training package, but he says I can't. I've told the family that my training sessions are my Christmas and birthday presents. They can re-gift something or give me a service book or something like that. But no money should be spent on me.
I just can't get in the Christmas spirit. I'm trying to wear my Christmas-y clothes, play music, watch Christmas videos in class...but I'm just blah. I'm hoping Saturday to get out and shop. The Saturday before Christmas. I'm sure it won't be crowded at all. But I have a training session at 9 am, then I'll go to the LDS bookstore and pick up Chris's plaque, then we'll go from there. Deep breath. Paste on that Christmas smile. And try to remember that it's not about money or presents - it's about our Savior. Celebrating Christ's birth. Celebrating His love. There...that's a little better.
Merry Christmas!
Then we moved back to Texas and Mom died. There would never again be a "real" Christmas in the way that I knew and understood it. And I realized that it was *my* job to make that real Christmas for my own boys. I was the mom, not my mom. It was better the last few years, but this year.... Ugh. Here we are five days before Christmas and I have two presents to give. Two. That's all. No fudge. No cookies. Nothing is wrapped. James and John want a Nintendo 64. Seriously. The old one. I'm checking everywhere I can, but nothing yet. We sent a care package to Chris. But money is still an issue - and a big one. I want to get Richard a gym membership and a three-day training package, but he says I can't. I've told the family that my training sessions are my Christmas and birthday presents. They can re-gift something or give me a service book or something like that. But no money should be spent on me.
I just can't get in the Christmas spirit. I'm trying to wear my Christmas-y clothes, play music, watch Christmas videos in class...but I'm just blah. I'm hoping Saturday to get out and shop. The Saturday before Christmas. I'm sure it won't be crowded at all. But I have a training session at 9 am, then I'll go to the LDS bookstore and pick up Chris's plaque, then we'll go from there. Deep breath. Paste on that Christmas smile. And try to remember that it's not about money or presents - it's about our Savior. Celebrating Christ's birth. Celebrating His love. There...that's a little better.
Merry Christmas!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Evil Exists
I had to wait a day or so to compose my thoughts - and they may still not be just very connected. But regardless, here are my thoughts on the senseless tragedy that took place at an elementary school in Connecticut yesterday:
1. We can go round and round and round and round on gun control, mental health issues, and security, but the fact of the matter is that evil exists. Satan is real and our country turns away from God, Satan will have a freer rein to manipulate people. Evil was given a face, a name, and an action yesterday.
2. As more information is released, I can't help but compare these children with my own 1st grade students (and all the others at my school as well.) I picture their faces and their mostly-innocent actions and I just can't imagine what that gunman must have seen in his mind to make him think about gunning them down. There are plenty of my little first graders who I'd love to give a good swat on the bum, but hatred? I can't imagine.
3. I'm - enjoying isn't the right word - appreciating the coverage of the teachers and their actions to keep the children as safe as possible. When I heard the news yesterday, my first thought was, of course, of my own boys. But my second was as a teacher. What would I do? I've said - probably every time we've had a lockdown drill - that locking down my room is pointless. It's the first room from the office. It has two doors, no closets, no bookshelves, and nothing to hide behind. I do have those plastic Wenger risers, so I have already been thinking of how I could rearrange my room so that they don't just take up space, but serve a purpose even in storage. Then I think - what would I do? Would I shield my students? Would I sacrifice myself for them? The pragmatic part of me says, "They don't pay me enough to risk my life for these people." Ok...that's also the grumpy part of me. But the truth is - I know that I would. My job is to protect them, to keep them calm, to love them, and yes, in spite of what the federal government says, to pray for them. In spite of administrators who love to make my life at school miserable, in spite of parents who insist that their child can do NO wrong, in spite of all of the paperwork and meaningless meetings and directives and everything else that makes my job almost unendurable some days, I would shield those babies. Even the fifth graders. Because I am their teacher. And I love them.
4. I hope and am pretty darn sure that I will never have to worry about that situation in real life. This is why we prepare. This is why we have drills and we hope we never have to use them. This is why there are procedures in place so that we, as teachers, know what is going on and what we need to do. Unfortunately, I did not receive anything from our principal yesterday. I didn't know anything about what had happened until I got in my car and heard the news on the radio. But I found out that other teachers at other schools got information, so I'm left to wonder why we didn't get it. The district asked the schools to provide extra teachers for school dismissals. I was available, but didn't go because I didn't know I should. I realize that, in light of the tragedy that occurred, this is a minor detail, but I feel deeply that it's something that we, as teachers, should have been told. Parents were already calling the district offices and some of the schools and it's protocol that, when these things happen far away, the district implements extra safety procedures. These are supposed to be carried out at the campus level. I'm still pondering what, if anything, to do about that.
In the long haul, we will get through this. We will never get over it, but we will get through it. We will hug our children a little tighter, we'll find the joy in teaching again, we'll feel more love and care for our students - and then time will pass and we'll forget and get back to normal - until the next time. And there will be a next time because guns or no guns, mental health or mental illness, beefed up security or none - evil exists and until we as a people turn back to our Heavenly Father, evil will continue to intrude into our lives.
Those are my thoughts. That and a buck-fifty will get you a glass of water.
1. We can go round and round and round and round on gun control, mental health issues, and security, but the fact of the matter is that evil exists. Satan is real and our country turns away from God, Satan will have a freer rein to manipulate people. Evil was given a face, a name, and an action yesterday.
2. As more information is released, I can't help but compare these children with my own 1st grade students (and all the others at my school as well.) I picture their faces and their mostly-innocent actions and I just can't imagine what that gunman must have seen in his mind to make him think about gunning them down. There are plenty of my little first graders who I'd love to give a good swat on the bum, but hatred? I can't imagine.
3. I'm - enjoying isn't the right word - appreciating the coverage of the teachers and their actions to keep the children as safe as possible. When I heard the news yesterday, my first thought was, of course, of my own boys. But my second was as a teacher. What would I do? I've said - probably every time we've had a lockdown drill - that locking down my room is pointless. It's the first room from the office. It has two doors, no closets, no bookshelves, and nothing to hide behind. I do have those plastic Wenger risers, so I have already been thinking of how I could rearrange my room so that they don't just take up space, but serve a purpose even in storage. Then I think - what would I do? Would I shield my students? Would I sacrifice myself for them? The pragmatic part of me says, "They don't pay me enough to risk my life for these people." Ok...that's also the grumpy part of me. But the truth is - I know that I would. My job is to protect them, to keep them calm, to love them, and yes, in spite of what the federal government says, to pray for them. In spite of administrators who love to make my life at school miserable, in spite of parents who insist that their child can do NO wrong, in spite of all of the paperwork and meaningless meetings and directives and everything else that makes my job almost unendurable some days, I would shield those babies. Even the fifth graders. Because I am their teacher. And I love them.
4. I hope and am pretty darn sure that I will never have to worry about that situation in real life. This is why we prepare. This is why we have drills and we hope we never have to use them. This is why there are procedures in place so that we, as teachers, know what is going on and what we need to do. Unfortunately, I did not receive anything from our principal yesterday. I didn't know anything about what had happened until I got in my car and heard the news on the radio. But I found out that other teachers at other schools got information, so I'm left to wonder why we didn't get it. The district asked the schools to provide extra teachers for school dismissals. I was available, but didn't go because I didn't know I should. I realize that, in light of the tragedy that occurred, this is a minor detail, but I feel deeply that it's something that we, as teachers, should have been told. Parents were already calling the district offices and some of the schools and it's protocol that, when these things happen far away, the district implements extra safety procedures. These are supposed to be carried out at the campus level. I'm still pondering what, if anything, to do about that.
In the long haul, we will get through this. We will never get over it, but we will get through it. We will hug our children a little tighter, we'll find the joy in teaching again, we'll feel more love and care for our students - and then time will pass and we'll forget and get back to normal - until the next time. And there will be a next time because guns or no guns, mental health or mental illness, beefed up security or none - evil exists and until we as a people turn back to our Heavenly Father, evil will continue to intrude into our lives.
Those are my thoughts. That and a buck-fifty will get you a glass of water.
Friday, December 14, 2012
A New Me
There's a new me. I'm spending $$$ on myself so that I don't have to spend it on myself later on. I've started working with a personal trainer. It's expensive - to the point that I told the boys not to get me anything for Christmas or my birthday. But I've lost six pounds and lots of inches. Even a few percentage points of body fat. My trainer is named Nii. He's calmly supportive but he doesn't let me slide. I'm feeling stronger and thinner than in months.
The biggest thing I've noticed is that I really do feel better - even with the lack of Diet Coke. He wants me down to none, but the last couple of days I've cheated. One per day. But...that's SO much better than the 4-6 I would often drink in a day before that I don't feel too badly about it. But I've actually had days when I didn't have any Coke at all. I don't think that's happened in 20 years. Seriously.
He started me on a breakfast smoothie that has spinach, banana, berries, kiwi, and coconut milk. It scared me at first, but it's really good and I can tell SUCH a difference in how I feel when I have that instead of a Nutrigrain bar and a Diet Coke for breakfast.
And in the midst of all this, I realized that it feels really good to have someone support me, push me, and listen to me. I think part of being a personal trainer must be playing personal therapist as well. I try to get Richard to sign up, but he can't see past the money. But he wants me to keep going. But then sometimes I think he resents it. He can't make up his mind, so I'm going to do what's best for me and the family. A happy, healthy mom makes for a happier family.
All that being said, did I really sign up for a 4:00 training session on Friday?
The biggest thing I've noticed is that I really do feel better - even with the lack of Diet Coke. He wants me down to none, but the last couple of days I've cheated. One per day. But...that's SO much better than the 4-6 I would often drink in a day before that I don't feel too badly about it. But I've actually had days when I didn't have any Coke at all. I don't think that's happened in 20 years. Seriously.
He started me on a breakfast smoothie that has spinach, banana, berries, kiwi, and coconut milk. It scared me at first, but it's really good and I can tell SUCH a difference in how I feel when I have that instead of a Nutrigrain bar and a Diet Coke for breakfast.
And in the midst of all this, I realized that it feels really good to have someone support me, push me, and listen to me. I think part of being a personal trainer must be playing personal therapist as well. I try to get Richard to sign up, but he can't see past the money. But he wants me to keep going. But then sometimes I think he resents it. He can't make up his mind, so I'm going to do what's best for me and the family. A happy, healthy mom makes for a happier family.
All that being said, did I really sign up for a 4:00 training session on Friday?
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Whoops!
Boy, do I feel like a heel. Got an email from Chris today. He said it was his first P-day and he didn't have anyone to email. I had been told that they couldn't email from the MTC. Then he said, "I'm not bitter, though." Ugh.
Guess I'd better get on the stick with this missionary mom thing. :-(
Guess I'd better get on the stick with this missionary mom thing. :-(
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