This is just not a good Christmas time for me this year. A number of reasons including:
1. There's no money for presents. I have no inclination to do any shopping since I don't even know how much money I can use. And that's because I haven't been keeping up with the checkbook balance because it's too depressing. The phone is ringing off the hook from "toll-free call" which is code for bill collectors. And I'm afraid to share my worries with Richard because he's already so back-and-forth on his tipping point. Which leads to
2. Richard's back is no better. We've spent money and time and lost wages going to doctors and having procedures and nothing is working. He's in a great deal of pain constantly which causes him to be pretty grumpy. He tries really, really, really hard to not be and so when he just can't contain it anymore, it tends to all come out at once and often at surprising times for no apparent reason.
3. Richard's job is not covering the bills. He enjoys the people he works with and the fact that when he's done, he's done. But he knows that he's not making enough money to really pay everything and it's frustrating to know that if he has a doctor appointment, it costs him not only the wages for that day but also a "point." There is no approved time off until after Christmas.
4. I got the house decorated for Christmas, but it's still such a mess that I can't enjoy it. Flylady swears that if you follow her steps, that your family will notice and begin to step up. In the nearly 10 years since I started using her system, albeit rather disjointedly since I went back to work, that hasn't come true. The boys just assume that the house magically gets vacuumed and dusted - or they don't care if it does. And I'm so overwhelmed with all the financial stuff that I just can't even find the energy to do anything about it. Until I have a presidency meeting at my house. Then I feel like I have to clean up and get at least a room or two cleaned up.
So those are my thoughts this Christmas season - at least my blah thoughts. I'm going to put this out there and then I'm going to put on my big girl panties and spend the next week focusing on my blessings and making it a good Christmas for my family. Food and family - that much I can do. Think anyone will notice if I don't show up for school the next three days?
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