Old Insecurities

It's amazing to me how the old insecurites of childhood and adolescent-hood can suddenly and without warning rear their ugly heads. I find myself fighting off the green-eyed monster, as my mother used to call him. I go to someone's home to help with something--something I am really, really good at btw--and leave feeling inadequate. I read friends' blogs and am jealous of the fun and frolic that they and their families seem to be having.

For some reason that I've never delved into, I've always felt that I was somehow lacking. Not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not clever enough. Not sexy enough. Not talented enough. Not enough. This is probably why I made the choices I made as a teen and young adult.

I want to get up and go and do the fun things that I see other families doing. I want to take the boys and play. I want to take the boys and learn. But I don't. It often seems to be a trial when I do. There's whining. There's arguing. There are bad feelings and hurt feelings and silence. And that's just from the adults! I've learned the art of avoidance. It's easier to avoid those things that will most likely cause contention and chaos and hurt feelings.

And so...I sit at home. We all sit at home. Doing nothing. Making no memories. Building no bonds. Just hanging out. Fretting over what the HUGE family get-together will be like on Thursday and how embarrassed I'm likely to be by the time we leave.

I will plan something for tomorrow. If we can't do our temple sealings tomorrow, I will take myself to a movie, take James to Zaxby's for his free kids meal, schedule the sealings for Friday (assuming the temple is open) and maybe even tackle the pumpkin cheesecake recipe that I want to try. And if no other adult wants to participate, I'll do it myself.

Will someone please help me to follow through?