Ever have one of those days when you are just down for no apparent reason? We all have. Mine was really nasty yesterday and it's feeling like it might take hold again today. So I thought...maybe if I write it all down about yesterday, then I'll feel better enough to get moving today.
At least I know what had me ready to jump off the cliff yesterday. I can't jump rope anymore. Isn't that stupid? I was at my training session and my trainer, Nii, gave me a big, fat rope to jump. I couldn't do it. My body had forgotten. I felt stupid and cumbersome and I was embarrassed. He got a regular-sized rope, but I still couldn't do it. I found myself holding back tears. Then I really felt stupid. I'm crying because I can't jump rope. To his credit, Nii didn't laugh but he didn't indulge me either. He made me keep trying. He was encouraging and understanding. I'm not sure if that made it better or worse as far as the holding back tears went, but I did end up remembering how to jump rope. And then I pushed 70 pounds of sandbag weights down the racquetball court and back and it was easier than it's ever been. So there was much to be proud of, but I was still on the verge of tears the rest of the day. I came home, took to my bed, and never really came out of it. The bright spot was having Richard come home from work and listen to my overview of the morning.
Here's what I learned yesterday: I don't like feeling stupid. I love being on stage and having an audience, but only when I know what I'm doing. Let me play the piano or sing - I'm right there. But have me do something that is foreign to me (like jumping rope apparently) and I'm like that silly 13-year-old again who is made fun of at school. I spent a lot of time pretending that it didn't hurt when the "cool kids" made fun of me or were hateful to me. And so, I still pretend to be strong. I still pretend to be sure of myself, but overall, I'm not.
Nii was great about it. When I apologized for my out-of-nowhere burst of emotion, he told me that it was understandable. I'm changing my life. I'm changing how I eat and how I move and how I use my energy. My body is having to learn and relearn how to do some things that I haven't done in 30+ years. That will take time and sometimes it's going to be hard in more than just a physical way. For the record, Richard agrees.
So...I spent New Year's Eve in bed. I was asleep before midnight. I didn't ring in the new year with the boys. We didn't spend time together or play games or have goodies or anything like that. But...I did open the Martinelli's at 9:00 and we shared an early toast to the new year. (Drop of Awesome!) And today...I will pack up the Christmas gear, reset the house, go to the gym and burn those 120 calories on the rowing machine (blech!), and start again on my healthier nutrition. I have the rest of the week before I return to the school schedule
Here's to the new year! May she be a damn sight better than the last one....
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