Evil Exists

I had to wait a day or so to compose my thoughts - and they may still not be just very connected. But regardless, here are my thoughts on the senseless tragedy that took place at an elementary school in Connecticut yesterday:

1. We can go round and round and round and round on gun control, mental health issues, and security, but the fact of the matter is that evil exists. Satan is real and our country turns away from God, Satan will have a freer rein to manipulate people. Evil was given a face, a name, and an action yesterday.

2. As more information is released, I can't help but compare these children with my own 1st grade students (and all the others at my school as well.) I picture their faces and their mostly-innocent actions and I just can't imagine what that gunman must have seen in his mind to make him think about gunning them down. There are plenty of my little first graders who I'd love to give a good swat on the bum, but hatred? I can't imagine.

3. I'm - enjoying isn't the right word - appreciating the coverage of the teachers and their actions to keep the children as safe as possible. When I heard the news yesterday, my first thought was, of course, of my own boys. But my second was as a teacher. What would I do? I've said - probably every time we've had a lockdown drill - that locking down my room is pointless. It's the first room from the office. It has two doors, no closets, no bookshelves, and nothing to hide behind. I do have those plastic Wenger risers, so I have already been thinking of how I could rearrange my room so that they don't just take up space, but serve a purpose even in storage. Then I think - what would I do? Would I shield my students? Would I sacrifice myself for them? The pragmatic part of me says, "They don't pay me enough to risk my life for these people."  Ok...that's also the grumpy part of me. But the truth is - I know that I would. My job is to protect them, to keep them calm, to love them, and yes, in spite of what the federal government says, to pray for them. In spite of administrators who love to make my life at school miserable, in spite of parents who insist that their child can do NO wrong, in spite of all of the paperwork and meaningless meetings and directives and everything else that makes my job almost unendurable some days, I would shield those babies. Even the fifth graders. Because I am their teacher. And I love them.

4. I hope and am pretty darn sure that I will never have to worry about that situation in real life. This is why we prepare. This is why we have drills and we hope we never have to use them. This is why there are procedures in place so that we, as teachers, know what is going on and what we need to do. Unfortunately, I did not receive anything from our principal yesterday. I didn't know anything about what had happened until I got in my car and heard the news on the radio. But I found out that other teachers at other schools got information, so I'm left to wonder why we didn't get it. The district asked the schools to provide extra teachers for school dismissals. I was available, but didn't go because I didn't know I should. I realize that, in light of the tragedy that occurred, this is a minor detail, but I feel deeply that it's something that we, as teachers, should have been told. Parents were already calling the district offices and some of the schools and it's protocol that, when these things happen far away, the district implements extra safety procedures. These are supposed to be carried out at the campus level. I'm still pondering what, if anything, to do about that.

In the long haul, we will get through this. We will never get over it, but we will get through it. We will hug our children a little tighter, we'll find the joy in teaching again, we'll feel more love and care for our students - and then time will pass and we'll forget and get back to normal - until the next time. And there will be a next time because guns or no guns, mental health or mental illness, beefed up security or none - evil exists and until we as a people turn back to our Heavenly Father, evil will continue to intrude into our lives.

Those are my thoughts. That and a buck-fifty will get you a glass of water.

A New Me

There's a new me. I'm spending $$$ on myself so that I don't have to spend it on myself later on. I've started working with a personal trainer. It's expensive - to the point that I told the boys not to get me anything for Christmas or my birthday. But I've lost six pounds and lots of inches. Even a few percentage points of body fat. My trainer is named Nii. He's calmly supportive but he doesn't let me slide. I'm feeling stronger and thinner than in months.

The biggest thing I've noticed is that I really do feel better - even with the lack of Diet Coke. He wants me down to none, but the last couple of days I've cheated. One per day. But...that's SO much better than the 4-6 I would often drink in a day before that I don't feel too badly about it. But I've actually had days when I didn't have any Coke at all. I don't think that's happened in 20 years. Seriously.

He started me on a breakfast smoothie that has spinach, banana, berries, kiwi, and coconut milk. It scared me at first, but it's really good and I can tell SUCH a difference in how I feel when I have that instead of a Nutrigrain bar and a Diet Coke for breakfast.

And in the midst of all this, I realized that it feels really good to have someone support me, push me, and listen to me. I think part of being a personal trainer must be playing personal therapist as well. I try to get Richard to sign up, but he can't see past the money. But he wants me to keep going. But then sometimes I think he resents it. He can't make up his mind, so I'm going to do what's best for me and the family. A happy, healthy mom makes for a happier family.

All that being said, did I really sign up for a 4:00 training session on Friday?

Whoops!

Boy, do I feel like a heel. Got an email from Chris today. He said it was his first P-day and he didn't have anyone to email. I had been told that they couldn't email from the MTC. Then he said, "I'm not bitter, though." Ugh.

Guess I'd better get on the stick with this missionary mom thing. :-(

Crazy May

May is insane  no matter what, but especially when you have a senior. Especially, especially when that senior is number 4 in his class. Last week we had a scholarship awards ceremony on Tuesday, a top ten seniors banquet on Thursday, and the Nellie Awards (Studio B - Fiddler On the Roof) on Friday.

 This afternoon he addressed his graduation announcements. He has his last AP test tomorrow and the final awards ceremony on Thursday. Then it's finals and graduation. Oh...and the day before graduation is his eagle scout court of honor.

The other boys are kinda getting shoved to the side, but that's what happens I guess. They're okay with it all.

But...today is Mother's Day. So it's really all about me. Richard spent some money on me. He bought me some beautiful pink roses, a wonderful card and Turtles! Yummy!!

The best part about Mother's Day is that I can lounge around in my bed, watch TV, play on the computer - basically do what I do almost every Sunday afternoon - but I don't feel guilty about it. :-)

I do miss my own mom today though. When we hit these milestones with my family, I wish I was able to talk with her about what's going on and what to do. But I'm not sad or melancholy because I have an awesome family of my own who love me and take care of me. And I still have my dad - such a blessing.

So on this Mother's Day 2012 I will enjoy my quiet time and the hugs from my boys and the doors that are opened for me, the church crate that is carried for me, and the lack of whining for the day. It's all back to normal tomorrow!

Crazy Friday

What a crazy day!! First - it's Friday. (Yay!) Then - it's picture day. Then - we have a bunch of teachers already out and then at least two more went home at the beginning of the day. So some subs got moved around and aides were used in other classes.

But...it's Friday. I have Saturday school tomorrow morning and then I'm spending the rest of the weekend doing laundry and watching conference. I just love General Conference! It's the boost I always need. I need to feel that spirit. I need to find hope again. Well, I actually have hope. But someone else in our house doesn't. I'm hoping and praying that he can feel the Spirit this weekend. That he will feel Heavenly Father's love for him. And that our family can come together again.

Spring Has Sprung

We made it through spring break. A wonderfully enjoyable and productive week off school. Finally got the house really cleaned. Of course, now we're just dirtying it up again and I'm not keeping up again, but it's not long until summer. Just eight weeks away.

Eight weeks. That means in eight weeks, Chris will be graduating. In 10 weeks, he will be at BYU. I don't think it's really hit me yet. Tuition, housing, meal plans, travel there and back. Ack! It'll work out somehow.

We're still unemployed. Not sure what's going on in that regard except that we're getting an unemployment check every two weeks.

But...since it's spring...the weather has been BEAUTIFUL lately! I keep meaning to go work in the front flower beds, but of course, other things come up - things that aren't quite so physically taxing.

And...in celebration of spring...I've joined Weight Watchers again. Today is the last day of my first week. It's harder this time - I think because I eat when I'm stressed and I'm ALWAYS stressed. Eating healthy is much more expensive that eating unhealthy. Fruits and vegetables are expensive these days. But it's still less expensive than medical issues. Of course, since we had pizza and pie for lunch today - I think I ruined my diet today. But maybe I'll walk the dog to help that out this afternoon and we'll go from there. :-)

Small Blessings

It doesn't take much to make me happy these days. It really is the little things. Like a 5th grade teacher who put a dollar in the Coke machine and got two Diet Cokes. She brought me one of them. Or a sister from church who was already coming up to eat lunch with our favorite redheaded 2nd grader and brought me tacos from Taco Bell and HUGE Diet Coke from Sonic.

It's a good feeling. :-)