I had to wait a day or so to compose my thoughts - and they may still not be just very connected. But regardless, here are my thoughts on the senseless tragedy that took place at an elementary school in Connecticut yesterday:
1. We can go round and round and round and round on gun control, mental health issues, and security, but the fact of the matter is that evil exists. Satan is real and our country turns away from God, Satan will have a freer rein to manipulate people. Evil was given a face, a name, and an action yesterday.
2. As more information is released, I can't help but compare these children with my own 1st grade students (and all the others at my school as well.) I picture their faces and their mostly-innocent actions and I just can't imagine what that gunman must have seen in his mind to make him think about gunning them down. There are plenty of my little first graders who I'd love to give a good swat on the bum, but hatred? I can't imagine.
3. I'm - enjoying isn't the right word - appreciating the coverage of the teachers and their actions to keep the children as safe as possible. When I heard the news yesterday, my first thought was, of course, of my own boys. But my second was as a teacher. What would I do? I've said - probably every time we've had a lockdown drill - that locking down my room is pointless. It's the first room from the office. It has two doors, no closets, no bookshelves, and nothing to hide behind. I do have those plastic Wenger risers, so I have already been thinking of how I could rearrange my room so that they don't just take up space, but serve a purpose even in storage. Then I think - what would I do? Would I shield my students? Would I sacrifice myself for them? The pragmatic part of me says, "They don't pay me enough to risk my life for these people." Ok...that's also the grumpy part of me. But the truth is - I know that I would. My job is to protect them, to keep them calm, to love them, and yes, in spite of what the federal government says, to pray for them. In spite of administrators who love to make my life at school miserable, in spite of parents who insist that their child can do NO wrong, in spite of all of the paperwork and meaningless meetings and directives and everything else that makes my job almost unendurable some days, I would shield those babies. Even the fifth graders. Because I am their teacher. And I love them.
4. I hope and am pretty darn sure that I will never have to worry about that situation in real life. This is why we prepare. This is why we have drills and we hope we never have to use them. This is why there are procedures in place so that we, as teachers, know what is going on and what we need to do. Unfortunately, I did not receive anything from our principal yesterday. I didn't know anything about what had happened until I got in my car and heard the news on the radio. But I found out that other teachers at other schools got information, so I'm left to wonder why we didn't get it. The district asked the schools to provide extra teachers for school dismissals. I was available, but didn't go because I didn't know I should. I realize that, in light of the tragedy that occurred, this is a minor detail, but I feel deeply that it's something that we, as teachers, should have been told. Parents were already calling the district offices and some of the schools and it's protocol that, when these things happen far away, the district implements extra safety procedures. These are supposed to be carried out at the campus level. I'm still pondering what, if anything, to do about that.
In the long haul, we will get through this. We will never get over it, but we will get through it. We will hug our children a little tighter, we'll find the joy in teaching again, we'll feel more love and care for our students - and then time will pass and we'll forget and get back to normal - until the next time. And there will be a next time because guns or no guns, mental health or mental illness, beefed up security or none - evil exists and until we as a people turn back to our Heavenly Father, evil will continue to intrude into our lives.
Those are my thoughts. That and a buck-fifty will get you a glass of water.
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