Bah! Humbug!

I used to LOVE Christmas! Many years ago (like over 20) I loved decorating on the day after Thanksgiving, playing Christmas music 24/7, buying presents, making sure they were under the tree at least two weeks before Christmas Day. It started going down when we lived in Utah. There was almost always a cloud of depression near the holidays. Maybe I was missing my family - everything my mom did for Christmas when we would go there every year.

Then we moved back to Texas and Mom died. There would never again be a "real" Christmas in the way that I knew and understood it. And I realized that it was *my* job to make that real Christmas for my own boys. I was the mom, not my mom. It was better the last few years, but this year.... Ugh. Here we are five days before Christmas and I have two presents to give. Two. That's all. No fudge. No cookies. Nothing is wrapped. James and John want a Nintendo 64. Seriously. The old one. I'm checking everywhere I can, but nothing yet. We sent a care package to Chris. But money is still an issue - and a big one. I want to get Richard a gym membership and a three-day training package, but he says I can't. I've told the family that my training sessions are my Christmas and birthday presents. They can re-gift something or give me a service book or something like that. But no money should be spent on me.

I just can't get in the Christmas spirit. I'm trying to wear my Christmas-y clothes, play music, watch Christmas videos in class...but I'm just blah. I'm hoping Saturday to get out and shop. The Saturday before Christmas. I'm sure it won't be crowded at all. But I have a training session at 9 am, then I'll go to the LDS bookstore and pick up Chris's plaque, then we'll go from there. Deep breath. Paste on that Christmas smile. And try to remember that it's not about money or presents - it's about our Savior. Celebrating Christ's birth. Celebrating His love. There...that's a little better.

Merry Christmas!