Ever have one of those days when you are just down for no apparent reason? We all have. Mine was really nasty yesterday and it's feeling like it might take hold again today. So I thought...maybe if I write it all down about yesterday, then I'll feel better enough to get moving today.
At least I know what had me ready to jump off the cliff yesterday. I can't jump rope anymore. Isn't that stupid? I was at my training session and my trainer, Nii, gave me a big, fat rope to jump. I couldn't do it. My body had forgotten. I felt stupid and cumbersome and I was embarrassed. He got a regular-sized rope, but I still couldn't do it. I found myself holding back tears. Then I really felt stupid. I'm crying because I can't jump rope. To his credit, Nii didn't laugh but he didn't indulge me either. He made me keep trying. He was encouraging and understanding. I'm not sure if that made it better or worse as far as the holding back tears went, but I did end up remembering how to jump rope. And then I pushed 70 pounds of sandbag weights down the racquetball court and back and it was easier than it's ever been. So there was much to be proud of, but I was still on the verge of tears the rest of the day. I came home, took to my bed, and never really came out of it. The bright spot was having Richard come home from work and listen to my overview of the morning.
Here's what I learned yesterday: I don't like feeling stupid. I love being on stage and having an audience, but only when I know what I'm doing. Let me play the piano or sing - I'm right there. But have me do something that is foreign to me (like jumping rope apparently) and I'm like that silly 13-year-old again who is made fun of at school. I spent a lot of time pretending that it didn't hurt when the "cool kids" made fun of me or were hateful to me. And so, I still pretend to be strong. I still pretend to be sure of myself, but overall, I'm not.
Nii was great about it. When I apologized for my out-of-nowhere burst of emotion, he told me that it was understandable. I'm changing my life. I'm changing how I eat and how I move and how I use my energy. My body is having to learn and relearn how to do some things that I haven't done in 30+ years. That will take time and sometimes it's going to be hard in more than just a physical way. For the record, Richard agrees.
So...I spent New Year's Eve in bed. I was asleep before midnight. I didn't ring in the new year with the boys. We didn't spend time together or play games or have goodies or anything like that. But...I did open the Martinelli's at 9:00 and we shared an early toast to the new year. (Drop of Awesome!) And today...I will pack up the Christmas gear, reset the house, go to the gym and burn those 120 calories on the rowing machine (blech!), and start again on my healthier nutrition. I have the rest of the week before I return to the school schedule
Here's to the new year! May she be a damn sight better than the last one....
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Friday, December 21, 2012
Last Day...
Well, it's 12/21/12 and we're all still here. Of course, Richard said that maybe the end of the world will be at 12:21 on 12/21/12. I told him that we'd already had 12:21, but he pointed out that no, that was 00:21. So help me...if the world ends right before we get out of school, I'm gonna stamp my foot!
I feel better today. Things are still a bit rough at home, but it's a better day. I had a training session yesterday. We did flexibility - which means he stretched me out, rolled the PVC pipe down my legs causing me great pain, but then finished with back and shoulders along with meditative music and sounds in a darkened room. Ahhhhh! Very nice. Plus...I lost another 3 pounds. I'm down 9 pounds total. Woo!
So...I rewarded myself with the Marks girls' dessert for breakfast/lunch and a Diet Coke. Ssh...don't tell Nii. Two more hours!
I feel better today. Things are still a bit rough at home, but it's a better day. I had a training session yesterday. We did flexibility - which means he stretched me out, rolled the PVC pipe down my legs causing me great pain, but then finished with back and shoulders along with meditative music and sounds in a darkened room. Ahhhhh! Very nice. Plus...I lost another 3 pounds. I'm down 9 pounds total. Woo!
So...I rewarded myself with the Marks girls' dessert for breakfast/lunch and a Diet Coke. Ssh...don't tell Nii. Two more hours!
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Bah! Humbug!
I used to LOVE Christmas! Many years ago (like over 20) I loved decorating on the day after Thanksgiving, playing Christmas music 24/7, buying presents, making sure they were under the tree at least two weeks before Christmas Day. It started going down when we lived in Utah. There was almost always a cloud of depression near the holidays. Maybe I was missing my family - everything my mom did for Christmas when we would go there every year.
Then we moved back to Texas and Mom died. There would never again be a "real" Christmas in the way that I knew and understood it. And I realized that it was *my* job to make that real Christmas for my own boys. I was the mom, not my mom. It was better the last few years, but this year.... Ugh. Here we are five days before Christmas and I have two presents to give. Two. That's all. No fudge. No cookies. Nothing is wrapped. James and John want a Nintendo 64. Seriously. The old one. I'm checking everywhere I can, but nothing yet. We sent a care package to Chris. But money is still an issue - and a big one. I want to get Richard a gym membership and a three-day training package, but he says I can't. I've told the family that my training sessions are my Christmas and birthday presents. They can re-gift something or give me a service book or something like that. But no money should be spent on me.
I just can't get in the Christmas spirit. I'm trying to wear my Christmas-y clothes, play music, watch Christmas videos in class...but I'm just blah. I'm hoping Saturday to get out and shop. The Saturday before Christmas. I'm sure it won't be crowded at all. But I have a training session at 9 am, then I'll go to the LDS bookstore and pick up Chris's plaque, then we'll go from there. Deep breath. Paste on that Christmas smile. And try to remember that it's not about money or presents - it's about our Savior. Celebrating Christ's birth. Celebrating His love. There...that's a little better.
Merry Christmas!
Then we moved back to Texas and Mom died. There would never again be a "real" Christmas in the way that I knew and understood it. And I realized that it was *my* job to make that real Christmas for my own boys. I was the mom, not my mom. It was better the last few years, but this year.... Ugh. Here we are five days before Christmas and I have two presents to give. Two. That's all. No fudge. No cookies. Nothing is wrapped. James and John want a Nintendo 64. Seriously. The old one. I'm checking everywhere I can, but nothing yet. We sent a care package to Chris. But money is still an issue - and a big one. I want to get Richard a gym membership and a three-day training package, but he says I can't. I've told the family that my training sessions are my Christmas and birthday presents. They can re-gift something or give me a service book or something like that. But no money should be spent on me.
I just can't get in the Christmas spirit. I'm trying to wear my Christmas-y clothes, play music, watch Christmas videos in class...but I'm just blah. I'm hoping Saturday to get out and shop. The Saturday before Christmas. I'm sure it won't be crowded at all. But I have a training session at 9 am, then I'll go to the LDS bookstore and pick up Chris's plaque, then we'll go from there. Deep breath. Paste on that Christmas smile. And try to remember that it's not about money or presents - it's about our Savior. Celebrating Christ's birth. Celebrating His love. There...that's a little better.
Merry Christmas!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Evil Exists
I had to wait a day or so to compose my thoughts - and they may still not be just very connected. But regardless, here are my thoughts on the senseless tragedy that took place at an elementary school in Connecticut yesterday:
1. We can go round and round and round and round on gun control, mental health issues, and security, but the fact of the matter is that evil exists. Satan is real and our country turns away from God, Satan will have a freer rein to manipulate people. Evil was given a face, a name, and an action yesterday.
2. As more information is released, I can't help but compare these children with my own 1st grade students (and all the others at my school as well.) I picture their faces and their mostly-innocent actions and I just can't imagine what that gunman must have seen in his mind to make him think about gunning them down. There are plenty of my little first graders who I'd love to give a good swat on the bum, but hatred? I can't imagine.
3. I'm - enjoying isn't the right word - appreciating the coverage of the teachers and their actions to keep the children as safe as possible. When I heard the news yesterday, my first thought was, of course, of my own boys. But my second was as a teacher. What would I do? I've said - probably every time we've had a lockdown drill - that locking down my room is pointless. It's the first room from the office. It has two doors, no closets, no bookshelves, and nothing to hide behind. I do have those plastic Wenger risers, so I have already been thinking of how I could rearrange my room so that they don't just take up space, but serve a purpose even in storage. Then I think - what would I do? Would I shield my students? Would I sacrifice myself for them? The pragmatic part of me says, "They don't pay me enough to risk my life for these people." Ok...that's also the grumpy part of me. But the truth is - I know that I would. My job is to protect them, to keep them calm, to love them, and yes, in spite of what the federal government says, to pray for them. In spite of administrators who love to make my life at school miserable, in spite of parents who insist that their child can do NO wrong, in spite of all of the paperwork and meaningless meetings and directives and everything else that makes my job almost unendurable some days, I would shield those babies. Even the fifth graders. Because I am their teacher. And I love them.
4. I hope and am pretty darn sure that I will never have to worry about that situation in real life. This is why we prepare. This is why we have drills and we hope we never have to use them. This is why there are procedures in place so that we, as teachers, know what is going on and what we need to do. Unfortunately, I did not receive anything from our principal yesterday. I didn't know anything about what had happened until I got in my car and heard the news on the radio. But I found out that other teachers at other schools got information, so I'm left to wonder why we didn't get it. The district asked the schools to provide extra teachers for school dismissals. I was available, but didn't go because I didn't know I should. I realize that, in light of the tragedy that occurred, this is a minor detail, but I feel deeply that it's something that we, as teachers, should have been told. Parents were already calling the district offices and some of the schools and it's protocol that, when these things happen far away, the district implements extra safety procedures. These are supposed to be carried out at the campus level. I'm still pondering what, if anything, to do about that.
In the long haul, we will get through this. We will never get over it, but we will get through it. We will hug our children a little tighter, we'll find the joy in teaching again, we'll feel more love and care for our students - and then time will pass and we'll forget and get back to normal - until the next time. And there will be a next time because guns or no guns, mental health or mental illness, beefed up security or none - evil exists and until we as a people turn back to our Heavenly Father, evil will continue to intrude into our lives.
Those are my thoughts. That and a buck-fifty will get you a glass of water.
1. We can go round and round and round and round on gun control, mental health issues, and security, but the fact of the matter is that evil exists. Satan is real and our country turns away from God, Satan will have a freer rein to manipulate people. Evil was given a face, a name, and an action yesterday.
2. As more information is released, I can't help but compare these children with my own 1st grade students (and all the others at my school as well.) I picture their faces and their mostly-innocent actions and I just can't imagine what that gunman must have seen in his mind to make him think about gunning them down. There are plenty of my little first graders who I'd love to give a good swat on the bum, but hatred? I can't imagine.
3. I'm - enjoying isn't the right word - appreciating the coverage of the teachers and their actions to keep the children as safe as possible. When I heard the news yesterday, my first thought was, of course, of my own boys. But my second was as a teacher. What would I do? I've said - probably every time we've had a lockdown drill - that locking down my room is pointless. It's the first room from the office. It has two doors, no closets, no bookshelves, and nothing to hide behind. I do have those plastic Wenger risers, so I have already been thinking of how I could rearrange my room so that they don't just take up space, but serve a purpose even in storage. Then I think - what would I do? Would I shield my students? Would I sacrifice myself for them? The pragmatic part of me says, "They don't pay me enough to risk my life for these people." Ok...that's also the grumpy part of me. But the truth is - I know that I would. My job is to protect them, to keep them calm, to love them, and yes, in spite of what the federal government says, to pray for them. In spite of administrators who love to make my life at school miserable, in spite of parents who insist that their child can do NO wrong, in spite of all of the paperwork and meaningless meetings and directives and everything else that makes my job almost unendurable some days, I would shield those babies. Even the fifth graders. Because I am their teacher. And I love them.
4. I hope and am pretty darn sure that I will never have to worry about that situation in real life. This is why we prepare. This is why we have drills and we hope we never have to use them. This is why there are procedures in place so that we, as teachers, know what is going on and what we need to do. Unfortunately, I did not receive anything from our principal yesterday. I didn't know anything about what had happened until I got in my car and heard the news on the radio. But I found out that other teachers at other schools got information, so I'm left to wonder why we didn't get it. The district asked the schools to provide extra teachers for school dismissals. I was available, but didn't go because I didn't know I should. I realize that, in light of the tragedy that occurred, this is a minor detail, but I feel deeply that it's something that we, as teachers, should have been told. Parents were already calling the district offices and some of the schools and it's protocol that, when these things happen far away, the district implements extra safety procedures. These are supposed to be carried out at the campus level. I'm still pondering what, if anything, to do about that.
In the long haul, we will get through this. We will never get over it, but we will get through it. We will hug our children a little tighter, we'll find the joy in teaching again, we'll feel more love and care for our students - and then time will pass and we'll forget and get back to normal - until the next time. And there will be a next time because guns or no guns, mental health or mental illness, beefed up security or none - evil exists and until we as a people turn back to our Heavenly Father, evil will continue to intrude into our lives.
Those are my thoughts. That and a buck-fifty will get you a glass of water.
Friday, December 14, 2012
A New Me
There's a new me. I'm spending $$$ on myself so that I don't have to spend it on myself later on. I've started working with a personal trainer. It's expensive - to the point that I told the boys not to get me anything for Christmas or my birthday. But I've lost six pounds and lots of inches. Even a few percentage points of body fat. My trainer is named Nii. He's calmly supportive but he doesn't let me slide. I'm feeling stronger and thinner than in months.
The biggest thing I've noticed is that I really do feel better - even with the lack of Diet Coke. He wants me down to none, but the last couple of days I've cheated. One per day. But...that's SO much better than the 4-6 I would often drink in a day before that I don't feel too badly about it. But I've actually had days when I didn't have any Coke at all. I don't think that's happened in 20 years. Seriously.
He started me on a breakfast smoothie that has spinach, banana, berries, kiwi, and coconut milk. It scared me at first, but it's really good and I can tell SUCH a difference in how I feel when I have that instead of a Nutrigrain bar and a Diet Coke for breakfast.
And in the midst of all this, I realized that it feels really good to have someone support me, push me, and listen to me. I think part of being a personal trainer must be playing personal therapist as well. I try to get Richard to sign up, but he can't see past the money. But he wants me to keep going. But then sometimes I think he resents it. He can't make up his mind, so I'm going to do what's best for me and the family. A happy, healthy mom makes for a happier family.
All that being said, did I really sign up for a 4:00 training session on Friday?
The biggest thing I've noticed is that I really do feel better - even with the lack of Diet Coke. He wants me down to none, but the last couple of days I've cheated. One per day. But...that's SO much better than the 4-6 I would often drink in a day before that I don't feel too badly about it. But I've actually had days when I didn't have any Coke at all. I don't think that's happened in 20 years. Seriously.
He started me on a breakfast smoothie that has spinach, banana, berries, kiwi, and coconut milk. It scared me at first, but it's really good and I can tell SUCH a difference in how I feel when I have that instead of a Nutrigrain bar and a Diet Coke for breakfast.
And in the midst of all this, I realized that it feels really good to have someone support me, push me, and listen to me. I think part of being a personal trainer must be playing personal therapist as well. I try to get Richard to sign up, but he can't see past the money. But he wants me to keep going. But then sometimes I think he resents it. He can't make up his mind, so I'm going to do what's best for me and the family. A happy, healthy mom makes for a happier family.
All that being said, did I really sign up for a 4:00 training session on Friday?
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Whoops!
Boy, do I feel like a heel. Got an email from Chris today. He said it was his first P-day and he didn't have anyone to email. I had been told that they couldn't email from the MTC. Then he said, "I'm not bitter, though." Ugh.
Guess I'd better get on the stick with this missionary mom thing. :-(
Guess I'd better get on the stick with this missionary mom thing. :-(
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Crazy May
May is insane no matter what, but especially when you have a senior. Especially, especially when that senior is number 4 in his class. Last week we had a scholarship awards ceremony on Tuesday, a top ten seniors banquet on Thursday, and the Nellie Awards (Studio B - Fiddler On the Roof) on Friday.
The other boys are kinda getting shoved to the side, but that's what happens I guess. They're okay with it all.
But...today is Mother's Day. So it's really all about me. Richard spent some money on me. He bought me some beautiful pink roses, a wonderful card and Turtles! Yummy!!
The best part about Mother's Day is that I can lounge around in my bed, watch TV, play on the computer - basically do what I do almost every Sunday afternoon - but I don't feel guilty about it. :-)
I do miss my own mom today though. When we hit these milestones with my family, I wish I was able to talk with her about what's going on and what to do. But I'm not sad or melancholy because I have an awesome family of my own who love me and take care of me. And I still have my dad - such a blessing.
So on this Mother's Day 2012 I will enjoy my quiet time and the hugs from my boys and the doors that are opened for me, the church crate that is carried for me, and the lack of whining for the day. It's all back to normal tomorrow!
This afternoon he addressed his graduation announcements. He has his last AP test tomorrow and the final awards ceremony on Thursday. Then it's finals and graduation. Oh...and the day before graduation is his eagle scout court of honor.
The other boys are kinda getting shoved to the side, but that's what happens I guess. They're okay with it all.
But...today is Mother's Day. So it's really all about me. Richard spent some money on me. He bought me some beautiful pink roses, a wonderful card and Turtles! Yummy!!
I do miss my own mom today though. When we hit these milestones with my family, I wish I was able to talk with her about what's going on and what to do. But I'm not sad or melancholy because I have an awesome family of my own who love me and take care of me. And I still have my dad - such a blessing.
So on this Mother's Day 2012 I will enjoy my quiet time and the hugs from my boys and the doors that are opened for me, the church crate that is carried for me, and the lack of whining for the day. It's all back to normal tomorrow!
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